gaslight/ˈɡaslʌɪt/ verb gerund or present participle: gaslighting

1. manipulate (someone) by psychological means into doubting their own sanity.

When going through a shitty time in life we often believe that what we are experiencing we both deserve and that it’ll never come to an end. Know that this isn’t the case and that eventually there are only 2 choices. Allow it to consume you until it’s taken over every fibre of your being OR you could realise that the only way to get out of the rut (as cliché as this is going to sound) is to stand up, brush the misery off and show life the middle finger.

So here I am to tell you to change your mindset for the better as well as share a few tips and my story on how and why I decided to just chill the fuck out and accept shit for what it is.

I want to start from the beginning of my shitty time, but I feel like I might start repeating myself on my blog. Please forgive me, but I feel like starting from the beginning is the best so you get a better insight into the issues I had and how they finally pushed me to be the person I am right now as I write this post.

Let’s start at my first serious relationship, the best time of my life for like the first 2.5 years then it was just shit after shit after shit. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying it was all my ex, there was a lot of crazy shit from both sides and we both did an excellent job at fucking our relationship up. However, I don’t think that causing constant anxiety in an already fragile partner is the nicest thing to do to “the person you love”, but hey I’m not a psychologist I wouldn’t know (I’m being so very sarcastic here.) The anxiety was caused every November/December and so during these months, I’d basically lose my marbles because I knew the breakup message was coming. Imagine that, you leave your partner of like 2 years over WhatsApp because you can’t do it to their face, pathetic. (I’d been broken up with all of 3 times, one time resulting in me attempting suicide and going on a bit of a bender.)

Then came all the bullshit lies and all the gaslighting, imagine telling someone how you feel and they tell you that you’re crazy and need help. It is by far the worst feeling in the world to tell someone you thought loved you that there’s an issue and you’re completely shut down with manipulation that ends up being so bad you question EVERYTHING because you’ve become so uncertain of yourself. Ya, not for me hey. There is one thing I am extremely against and that is invalidating someone’s feelings because you can’t handle being blamed for the issue. That is also called emotional immaturity.

I changed as a person completely. I remember being a super nice and sweet girl who was always laughing and always trusting. Safe to say I became a monster. A jealous, moody and extremely controlling monster. Just so you’re aware, you can most certainly become controlling if you are constantly exposed to shit that makes you insecure and question yourself. My favourite memory was one night out at a bar, I was with my ex and some friends. Sitting on the deck having a chat, I glance over to find my ex basically inside some random girls face, her arms wrapped around his neck whispering in his ear. I said nothing and sort of just stood around waiting and hoping someone would break away from their bubble to notice my existence. I stood there for 30 minutes and eventually left with my friends because it didn’t happen.

Then there was the family situation, God that was a fucking disaster. If you think your parents-in-law hate you, think again. Imagine being ganged up on all the time and never being allowed to speak openly and freely in fear that someone snaps back at you with a shitty personal comment. Now try to speak to your partner about it, and your partner tells you that once again it’s not them, it’s you. By now it has to be you, you’re always being told that you are the problem and no-one else. It simply cannot be anyone else, but you.

Being with a person who constantly thinks everyone is against them and their family is so draining. 90% of your relationship is spent fighting about your feelings because you’d really just like them to be fucking validated and they never are. The best is when they turn it around on you and repeat everything you say, but just change the victim to themselves.

You stay because you always hope it’s going to get better and then it just doesn’t, it gets worse because you eventually change so much and become so emotionless that you aren’t even a person anymore. God forbid you tell them this (make sure you’re wearing full body armour.) Sometimes people just enjoy being shit and have been told their whole lives by family and friends, who are equally as shit, that they are the bee’s knees. This is so damaging to both the person and the people they interact with along the way.

Eventually, you’re left with nothing, you aren’t a person anymore because you aren’t allowed to be. You aren’t allowed to feel, complain, suggest, interpret or any of those human things. You should either just be like your partner or shut your mouth. Now you see I have an issue with that because we are all humans and we are all allowed to feel when we need to feel, we are allowed to be human.

I was told that I had caused a loss of independence and that I was controlling, 2 very shit things to do to another human. My anxiety had gotten so out of control that I assumed controlling every situation would somehow fix the bullshit that was my relationship. It does not so don’t try it, it makes you fucking miserable. Also, anyone that causes you so much anxiety and misery don’t deserve any part of you. I knew I wasn’t the girl I had become, I knew I deserved so much more and I knew the shit that was being spewed by both my ex and his family was not a reflection of me, but of them.

After a long time of shit, I left. Please for the love of God leave if you are unhappy. You’d be so surprised at all the awesome shit you get to experience, all the amazing people you were missing out on and the person waiting out there to love YOU! It’s going to suck, you basically have to cleanse yourself of your wasted life, relearn things and most importantly relearn who you are. I was quite bitter for a long time because I was manipulated so badly about my choice to leave, to love again and to just be a new and better version of myself. Not knowing that my ex was seeing someone else as soon as I had moved my shit out of the house. Baby girl/boy/neutral don’t let yourself be manipulated like that, don’t allow someone to invalidate you and then try to make you out to be the big bad wolf. After the breakup, that’s when the true colours really shine through. You know this person for so long and you think you know them like the back of your hand and it actually turns out that they’re kind of shitty.

So long story over, here’s what I did and continue to do:

1. Ignore the haters (your ex, their friends, the new partner and family)
2. Remind yourself how fucking amazing you are and how you deserve the best of everything because you’re the best!
3. Don’t be afraid to feel the feelings you’re feeling. There will be days when you remember the good times and you miss them (lol don’t it’s a trap) there will be days when you hate them so much that the anger you feel towards them basically makes you vibrate. No matter what the feeling is, feel it and then move on.
4. Block them and their shitty new partner (in my case she waited around for us to break up which shows what type of person she is and what type of person he is that he was so amped about this.), their friends, their family. Even their dog if you must
5. You don’t have to do this one, but I did. Delete ALL them memories, all the photos and all the crappy “I love you” texts. I literally went through all of my electronics that could store messages, emails and photos and I deleted everything as if it had never existed.
6. Surround yourself with your people. Those people that make you forget the sadness and regret, who give you good advice and make sure you don’t make the same mistake twice.
7. Do the things you used to love doing before again. Draw, sing, eat, whatever you loved doing before the relationship.
8. Be open to the idea that someone else can and will love you so much better.
9. As fun as it might be, don’t stalk anyone on social media. You’re actually just harming yourself and your recovery.
10. Tell them to fuck right off. It seems really mean, but it gives you the power back that they used to have on you.

I did these things and sometimes still do if I ever remember something from that part of my life. After realizing my worth and accepting myself and my “recovery” I got lucky enough to meet someone who also sees my worth and accepts me for who I am. I return the favour because I’d be an absolute idiot to not appreciate, love and accept the beautiful person I got sent.

Find someone who wants to live life with you, not sometimes or when they have no-one else, but always.

Stay true to yourself darling and never let shitty people tear you down. You are a fucking diamond and you deserve to be polished, admired and kept safe xx