Depression

What it is to try

Sometimes, I believe that I’m cursed, just like in the medieval days. It sounds a bit silly when I say it out loud, but it feels like no matter how hard I try to be kind or helpful, it’s never enough. All that’s left for me to do is remove an arm or a leg and give it to someone in need of an arm or a leg. And I’m not even sure why someone would need either, but you understand where I’m going with this.

I will admit that I’m sometimes not the greatest person to be around and there are times when I’m not all that helpful, but it’s not like I don’t feel terrible for not helping when I can’t. Life gets in my way sometimes and I get lost in a world of my own.

People don’t understand though, and I feel like no matter how much I do, instead of hearing, “Thank you for trying”, I only hear complains and unhappiness.

When I’m in these situations, all I can think is, “I’m never like this to people, why are people like this to me?” It’s something I can’t wrap my head around, I will never say something shitty to someone and make them feel like a turd for the rest of their life. I think about what I want to say so that it won’t hurt someone or mess with their mental health issues further.

I was in a seven-year relationship where I was emotionally abused, so I get it, you don’t do it.

That’s why I feel cursed, I’m incapable of being mean like other people are and no matter how good or nice I am to people, they find it super easy to be absolute shit to me.

As persecutory as it sounds, I’m going to go have a 2007 Britney moment one day and just start filming people being shit. Might even shave my hair too. Maybe if I have a full-on breakdown everyone will get it, no I’m joking I don’t have time for that right now.

Rough times and random rants

Lord, have mercy on my soul! Hey, what’s up ya’ll, sorry for the radio silence. Life has been busy and quite hectic lately. We’ve moved into our new place and it’s the cutest thing on Earth, I feel like I have my very own little family. I’ve got my beautiful Catthew (the lover) and our two furchildren, who at one point were driving us up the bloody wall with their shitting on the floor and jumping on our faces at like 3 am. Also, there are the rattos, but they’re just the sweetest girls in the world!

Before all of this, there was the matter of me storming out of my job because people are shit and don’t know how to deal with other humans in a civilized manner. I hit a bit of a shitty depression after that, but of course, my lovely Catt came on in and made it better. After that, it was a little bit of anxiety and now I’m mostly just suffering from insomnia and wanting to eat like a whole pudding.

Talking about depression and stuff, my sister recently told me that playing around with taking your medication, then not taking them really fucks with your brain chemicals. Weird that it never occurred to me since it’s there to help with those chemicals and if you take your medication on and off then you definitely will mess with your brain chemicals. Also, my mom told me about research that was recently done on how medications are “bad” for you due to them depleting your natural serotonin completely, but they also help balance them, so I don’t really know what’s happening there. There’s a bit of a brain rant for ya’ll.

All I can say is medication is good and once my life is 100% stable again, I’ll make sure I don’t mess around with such things.

I can rebound if I want to…

You always read about how a rebound relationship is meant to be doomed from the word go and that it’s basically the downtown of relationships. I call bullshit, just saying. What up it’s yo girl Bee again, I’ve had writer’s block for a couple of days and I’m pretty sure I still do, but I’m attempting to write because that’s what I said I was going to do! I hope you enjoy this one…

Previously I had written a small blog on how last year my entire life changed and I was convinced that something was very wrong with me. I had never been strong enough to walk away from something that was no longer bringing me joy. I constantly waited around to be walked away from, but for once, this girl said no more, please. I eventually got so unhappy with my life that I was an empty void. If I wasn’t extremely irritable, I was super sad and always breaking down into tears about nothing.

After about 3 months of constant misery and sadness, you realize that you aren’t the only one who is being affected. Often, when we’re in a situation such as this, we only consider our own feelings, this time it was different. I was causing someone else unhappiness through my constant despair and the wall that I had put up. That wall was to protect me from the piercing, gut-wrenching heartbreak I was expecting. You know that one where your entire life just sort of falls to a pile of rubble in front of you? Yeah, I had enough of that feeling, I’d experienced it way too often for my liking. So I said goodbye and then this Punk came along and showed me that I deserved everything good in life. From convincing myself that I was a piece of crap, who should stay undeserving forever, I now believe that no matter what one has done in the past, you can always change for the better, if it’s what you want, and I got lucky enough to meet someone who encouraged me to forgive myself for my past.

The point of this is, I read an article on a study that was done on rebound relationships. We’re always told they cannot work or won’t work, etc. However, here I am happier than ever with someone society would consider a rebound. From this relationship I’ve only been allowed to grow, to be happy, and boy-oh-boy has there been much to learn and accept. I think our biggest mistake in life is our inability to not give a shit about what society thinks. No one should be allowed to sway your mind when it comes to life decisions unless you’re making horrible choices, then I understand people wanting to get involved. Allow yourself to love who you want to love, even if it’s going to piss a bunch of people off. I’ve been in a situation where the opinion of others was always taken into consideration and you know what? That isn’t love.

Am I crazy for loving someone so soon? Hell to the nah, love is love and if you love someone, what are you supposed to do with those feelings if not feel and act on them? I’m definitely crazy, but not for believing that I’m allowed to love another person again. Stay cool ya’ll!

*Here’s the article I mentioned, https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201405/can-rebound-relationship-be-the-real-deal

P.S this relationship didn’t work out but I don’t believe it had anything to do with it being a rebound. We were together for almost two years!

Love always,

Bee x

Quiet

Have you ever gone through a phase in your life where you really just feel like being silent? Or you enjoy the silence a lot more than you did before? I recently noticed that I no longer feel awkward when faced with silence, rather I embrace it. What is the point in constantly yapping on and on? Don’t get me wrong, I have verbal diarrhoea most of the time. However, I’ve learned to enjoy the silence. Like when you’re in the car at 7 am on your way to work and you’re still so sleepy, you don’t have the mental ability that early in the morning to deal with someone telling you their entire life story.

I used to be really loud and spoke a lot because I had such bad anxiety that people were bored of my conversation, that my coping mechanism was to try and keep the conversation going in any way I could. Meaning, I basically couldn’t shut up and would end up saying something inappropriate and offending someone. Don’t do this, it’s annoying as hell and people don’t enjoy being offended. Sometimes chilling in silence allows you to think of some really cool things that you can later converse about. Some of my best ideas have come from my moments of complete silence..

I always thought people who sat around being silent were super weird, but now I’m one of those people and now I think it’s less weird because I kind of get it now.

“Don’t you hate that? Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it’s necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable? That’s when you know you’ve found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.”
Mia Wallace (Pulp Fiction)

Change

So basically in 2018 I went through a pretty rough time mentally, that ultimately ended up with me making a whole bunch of scary decisions. I was unemployed, depressed and super stuck. I walked away from a long term relationship, moved into a friends place which, unfortunately didn’t work out and I pretty much just went rogue.

However, this isn’t a sad story. You know the saying, “every cloud has a silver lining.” Listen when people say that to you. They aren’t lying, I met someone so beautiful I sometimes have to remind myself that I am good enough and am worthy of being loved again. No matter what I’ve done in my past, it doesn’t define who I am now.

I’m not entirely sure just how many people can relate to this story, but all I can say is don’t give up. In that moment you’re under the impression that what you’re feeling will go on forever and no matter how hard you kick and fight, you still feel like you’re being consumed by the negativity and bullshit surrounding you.

Slap that feeling right in it’s bitch face because there is always a way out. These 6 months have taught me so much so far and I have accomplished more than I ever thought I would by the time I reached the age I am now. I have 2 Fur babies, we’re currently moving into our own place together (a first for me) and my partner just got himself the most kickass job! Nothing is forever, including those mega shit times where it feels like there is absolutely no hope.

“If you get up in the morning and think the future is going to be better, it is a bright day. Otherwise, it’s not.”
Elon Musk