Life

Rough times and random rants

Lord, have mercy on my soul! Hey, what’s up ya’ll, sorry for the radio silence. Life has been busy and quite hectic lately. We’ve moved into our new place and it’s the cutest thing on Earth, I feel like I have my very own little family. I’ve got my beautiful Catthew (the lover) and our two furchildren, who at one point were driving us up the bloody wall with their shitting on the floor and jumping on our faces at like 3 am. Also, there are the rattos, but they’re just the sweetest girls in the world!

Before all of this, there was the matter of me storming out of my job because people are shit and don’t know how to deal with other humans in a civilized manner. I hit a bit of a shitty depression after that, but of course, my lovely Catt came on in and made it better. After that, it was a little bit of anxiety and now I’m mostly just suffering from insomnia and wanting to eat like a whole pudding.

Talking about depression and stuff, my sister recently told me that playing around with taking your medication, then not taking them really fucks with your brain chemicals. Weird that it never occurred to me since it’s there to help with those chemicals and if you take your medication on and off then you definitely will mess with your brain chemicals. Also, my mom told me about research that was recently done on how medications are “bad” for you due to them depleting your natural serotonin completely, but they also help balance them, so I don’t really know what’s happening there. There’s a bit of a brain rant for ya’ll.

All I can say is medication is good and once my life is 100% stable again, I’ll make sure I don’t mess around with such things.

Quiet

Have you ever gone through a phase in your life where you really just feel like being silent? Or you enjoy the silence a lot more than you did before? I recently noticed that I no longer feel awkward when faced with silence, rather I embrace it. What is the point in constantly yapping on and on? Don’t get me wrong, I have verbal diarrhoea most of the time. However, I’ve learned to enjoy the silence. Like when you’re in the car at 7 am on your way to work and you’re still so sleepy, you don’t have the mental ability that early in the morning to deal with someone telling you their entire life story.

I used to be really loud and spoke a lot because I had such bad anxiety that people were bored of my conversation, that my coping mechanism was to try and keep the conversation going in any way I could. Meaning, I basically couldn’t shut up and would end up saying something inappropriate and offending someone. Don’t do this, it’s annoying as hell and people don’t enjoy being offended. Sometimes chilling in silence allows you to think of some really cool things that you can later converse about. Some of my best ideas have come from my moments of complete silence..

I always thought people who sat around being silent were super weird, but now I’m one of those people and now I think it’s less weird because I kind of get it now.

“Don’t you hate that? Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it’s necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable? That’s when you know you’ve found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.”
Mia Wallace (Pulp Fiction)

Change

So basically in 2018 I went through a pretty rough time mentally, that ultimately ended up with me making a whole bunch of scary decisions. I was unemployed, depressed and super stuck. I walked away from a long term relationship, moved into a friends place which, unfortunately didn’t work out and I pretty much just went rogue.

However, this isn’t a sad story. You know the saying, “every cloud has a silver lining.” Listen when people say that to you. They aren’t lying, I met someone so beautiful I sometimes have to remind myself that I am good enough and am worthy of being loved again. No matter what I’ve done in my past, it doesn’t define who I am now.

I’m not entirely sure just how many people can relate to this story, but all I can say is don’t give up. In that moment you’re under the impression that what you’re feeling will go on forever and no matter how hard you kick and fight, you still feel like you’re being consumed by the negativity and bullshit surrounding you.

Slap that feeling right in it’s bitch face because there is always a way out. These 6 months have taught me so much so far and I have accomplished more than I ever thought I would by the time I reached the age I am now. I have 2 Fur babies, we’re currently moving into our own place together (a first for me) and my partner just got himself the most kickass job! Nothing is forever, including those mega shit times where it feels like there is absolutely no hope.

“If you get up in the morning and think the future is going to be better, it is a bright day. Otherwise, it’s not.”
Elon Musk

I don’t know what I’m doing…

Hey what is up everybody? I’m Brogan or Bee if you’d like. I am a tattoo collecting, animal cuddling, coffee consuming, cupcake baking, photo taking, wannabe 80’s roller derby skater and sometimes fashionable dresser.

I work as a Ghostwriter and Freelance Photographer while I study my BA in Environmental Management. I adore nature, writing and photography, so this is like a dream for me. I adore all things involving our Dark Lord and sacrificing the innocent to Cthulhu. Just kidding, but seriously I do enjoy the darker side of life, just not that side that judgemental old ladies think when you walk past them in the shop. I’ve been called a witch and a satanist many times…

Welcome to my blog and thank you for taking the time to check it out. I really hope you enjoy the things I write about, if you don’t that’s totally okay too!