It’s no secret that I suffer from mental health issues. Ones that can often cause similarly big problems in my personal relationships. However, I am aware of my issues and that they can sometimes come between reality and fiction. This was the first realisation I had which helped me to try and deal healthily when symptoms arise.

My first serious relationship sparked something in me which I had to fight tirelessly to get rid of. During this seven-year relationship, I started out as a really happy and trusting person. By the end of it, I was the asshole.

Some people know how to bring the worst out in a person. Granted I was very young when our relationship started, I didn’t get to fully understand who I was. I did know that I was the type of person who would never hurt a fly, I couldn’t fight to save my life and I was always laughing hysterically at funny things.

My biggest weakness was trusting people to savour my wishes, as I did theirs. Boy, did I get my heart broken. I know your teenage years are for heartbreak, but I don’t think at fifteen you need to worry about a boyfriend being addicted to porn and having his ego stroked by anyone who would stroke it.

Okay, maybe the last part, but definitely not the porn part.

Throughout this young relationship, yours truly was what I’d call nowadays, a dumb bitch. Why I convinced myself this was a great person to be with or that somehow things would get better is beside me. I ended up anxiety-ridden, controlling, impatient and nasty. Before you tell me that that is just my personality and he brought it out, carry on reading…

We fought constantly about everything because no matter my approach, I was always met with a blank face and a mute tongue. Almost as if it were done purposefully, even if I was crying my heart out and begging for an answer. If there was ever an answer, it was something like, “I just don’t care anymore.” My reaction would always be the same, “anymore?” Like when did you first care?

This all brought on extreme anxiety because I knew that it didn’t matter what I said. He would always be right because I was either being ‘unnecessary’ or ‘crazy’ according to him. I was always the cause of the same drama because I just wanted to sort what was wrong out, but I was speaking to a wall all the time.

Eventually, I became extra impatient from never getting an answer and would try and say things that I thought would get any reaction out of him. So now I was anxious, impatient and a mean person.
I became controlling when he started acting weird about his phone and then one day he had two phones…

On each phone he had an array of other girls he was speaking to, telling them how beautiful they were and exchanging images. On his other phone was his ex-girlfriend and him chatting it up like they were still dating. This ex whom he apparently disliked a lot because she cheated on him.

Then there was Facebook and Twitter with conversations between girls and him about how they missed each other and wished they could be together. So as you can imagine, I as his actual girlfriend didn’t enjoy any of this and felt pretty betrayed. You think I left him hey? Nope, that’s why I consider my old self a dumb bitch.

I was a mess from all of this, which continued to happen until about three years into our relationship. After that, I decided I didn’t care what he did behind my back anymore because I was tired of the hurt.

After a long and shitty seven years, I said goodbye to my dumb self and him.

During this time I met someone that helped remind me of the girl I once was. I started feeling happier again, less anxious about relationships and I started believing in trust again.

While I do struggle with mental health still, I am better at finding ways to cope with it. I can focus on myself and my relationship, not just my relationship in fear of being cheated on. My partner has reminded me that I should be respected as a woman and that I’m not just an object for male gratification. I’m allowed to be myself and am confident in my abilities due to my partner encouraging me.

So when people say that they changed because of a relationship, they aren’t lying. There are people out there that are just not a good fit for you and these people can sometimes make you believe that they aren’t toxic, but they will show their true self eventually.

I’m sure he feels the same way about me, he never could admit to being wrong. It was always expected of me to admit to being wrong to stop the tension so we could be ‘normal’ again.

You can and will return to ‘normal’ when the person leaves. It takes a while to remember who you are and what you liked before, but with time it comes back. I’m more chilled than I’ve ever been before, I couldn’t care less to control anyone and I die if I say something that sounds remotely mean to my partner.

Don’t let toxicity consume you, stay safe xx